Drug couriers warn of rising prices |
Report by Amy Ditupp BSc(Hon’s)
Merseyside drug couriers yesterday warned of rising prices due to lack of public transport. Mr ‘X’ said “I always use the train as it has a lower environmental impact than my BMW and is much more economical, but if I’m going to be arrested at Southport train station for simply trafficking drugs, I’ll have to use my car.”
The comments from Mr ‘X’, who spoke exclusively to one of our many reporters, come as British Transport Police launched their clampdown on people bringing drugs into town by train. A Merseyside dealer who wanted to be known only as “ A really nice guy with the best deals this side of the Wirral” confirmed Mr ‘X’s comments, “ I can’t keep my prices low-low-low if I have to pay for petrol, road tax, car insurance and munchies. A daily saveaway rail travel pass was up until now the cheapest way to do my deliveries and I’d always arrive on time. I enjoyed the journey too, I like to slip off my shoes. ”
A local freelance economist has also predicted that if all the druggies stop using the train, rail prices for the ordinary law-abiding commuter may have to rise to compensate.
This is satire, it’s made up, not real.